Suixiang 2

"It [grace] has trained us to reject and renounce all ungodliness (irreligion) and worldly (passionate) desires, to live discreet (temperate, self-controlled), upright, devout (spiritually whole) lives in this present world."
(Titus 2:12, Amp)

I need to write something. I need to.

Now i'm in the library, just finish the last lesson of a course i wanted to take so much. I didn't take it,finally, but i sit in for all the lessons and read through most of the readings. Why didn't i take it? That's an interesting question.

In life there are so many situations that when you look back, you just don't understand why you made that decision at that very critical moment. At that time i struggle for so long time should i take that course, analyse the advantages and disadvantages, i made a decision and sweared that i won't change it. I thought i cannot make it, i gave myself many excuses like: the reading are too much, the workload is too heavy, there are some dates clash my travel etc...but finally it turns out that no problem actually is a problem.

It's interesting that at this moment i think maybe i did a wrong decision. However, when i read through my own diary, there are some points i missed that i found that there ARE reasons why i made that decision. And now i'm grateful that what i've done. I was quite unhappy for sometime i didn't take the course, cos i missed the opportunity to improve my writing and analytical skill and to be commented by the professor, who is the best professor i've ever met. But any way i have more time to travel, more time to do other things and if i took that course things could not been happen in that way maybe. There is always a trade-off, and it always depends what you value the most. The most important thing is that do you what exactly you want and you need, but not by others telling you, which i found is the most stupid thing in the world. I always found that i would regret, if i obeyed the world, but had refuse the calling, the voice in my heart telling me what i should or shoudl not do.

In these days, so many things had happend and i learnt a lot. It's quite difficult to write them all explicitly now, just every day i feel God gives me different kind of tests to me, large and small, to explore more weaknesses i have, in my personality and character, but also more confident of what i already have and His promise to me. It a hard struggle and fierce fight, which happens, mostly however, between the old and new me, the poor self-image and the new growing one, and voice of accusation and encouragement and hope. It's tough and harsh with all growing pain and uneasiness, but luckily i survived through it(at least at the moment). Of course i know this is a process which will probably going on for the years after, now i learn to make myself used to it and to be more open to it. And for one thing i know that God is with me, helping me and guiding me, even how imperfect i am he is besides me and support me. With my family and friends and brothers and sisters, i'm never alone.

I want to get things done, and done well.